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“Good morning! Thank you for calling Tall, Strict, and Cranky. This is Reginald speaking. How may I be of service?”

“Morning Reg! Farmer Perkins here! Put me through to Mister Tall would ya?”

“I’m so sorry, Farmer Perkins! Mister Tall is not in today.”

“What do you mean he’s not in?”

“I’m mean he’s out for the day.”

“So he’s not in at all?”

“That’s correct, sir! Mister Tall is not in at all today.”

“Well you tell Mister Tall that I called! And that those wretched raccoons are on my roof again!”

“What a pickle, Farmer Perkins! I will certainly relay that to Mister Tall. Right and pronto! Have yourself a chuffing good day!”

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“Good morning! Thank you for calling Tall, Strict, and Cranky. This is Reginald speaking. How may I be of service?”

“Morning, Reggie! Principal Peters calling from Good Little Boys Academy. I need to speak with Mister Strict right away!”

“I’m frightfully sorry, Principal Peters! Mister Strict is busy today.”

“What do you mean he’s busy?”

“I suppose he’s indisposed.”

“Well, when do you suppose he getting out of it?”

“Well, he’s taken a wee drive down the coast. He should be back on Monday.”

“Are we talking about the same Mister Strict?”

“Why yes, Principal Peters! Strict’s actually got quite a sensitive side. He’s gone birdwatching!”

“You’re telling me that Mister Strict is watching birds while these boys run rampant? They’re flushing pencils down the toilet! Why would they do that?!”

“Perhaps they are doing a science experiment?”

“IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS FLUSHING A PENCIL DOWN THE TOILET CALLED SCIENCE? SCIENCE IS BIOLOGY AND CHEMISTRY AND PHYSICS!”

“To be fair to the boys, they are experimenting with all three of those disciplines.”

“THEY’RE PLOTTING A REVOLUTION! HALF THE TEACHERS HAVE LOCKED THEMSELVES IN THE BROOM CLOSET! THEY WILL NOT WRITE UNTIL WE’VE LEFT!”

“Oh dear! That does sound quite dire. I’ll be sure to have Mister Strict call you first thing Monday morning.”

“FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS SACRED! THEY’RE KICKING DOWN THE DOOR!”

“Best of luck, Principal Peters! I hope you’re able to retrieve those pesky pencils!"

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“Good morning! Thank you for calling Tall, Strict, and Cranky. This is Reginald speaking. How may I be of service?”

“My name is Mrs. Lime. Is Mister Cranky in?”

“Why yes, he’s been in for hours. Stomped right past me without a word. Classic Cranky!”

“Well, get him on the phone then. It’s urgent!”

“What might we help you with today, Mrs. Lime?”

“It’s my husband, Frank. He won’t stop complaining about this and that! Everything is too much or not enough! Too much salt in this soup! Not enough sugar in these cookies! I need a break from his ranting and raving! I thought having a friend and fellow crank would get him out of my air!” 

“That is quite the dilemma, Mrs. Lemon! However, I’m afraid that Mister Cranky is not taking calls today.”

“It’s Lime, not lemon! And exactly why is he not taking calls?”

“I just hate to disturb him when he’s in one of his moods. Trust me! You really don’t want to wind up Mister Cranky!”

“What’s bothering him today?”

“Same thing that’s always bothering him. No one is interested the services of a cranky man. Poor man never gets any calls.”

“BUT I’M CALLING RIGHT NOW, YOU FOOL!”

“But if I put you through, he’ll be very happy to hear from you and he won’t be cranky any longer. And your husband, Frank, needs a fellow crank. It’s quite the conundrum isn’t it?”

“With all due respect, Reginald, this little business of yours MAKES NO SENSE!”

“Now I’ll admit that our services are, by nature, quite absurd, but what isn’t absurd these days? We’re simply filling society’s need for nonsense!”

“Well I, for one, shall not be calling back again!”

“Mister Cranky will appreciate that very much, Mrs Lemon.”

“IT’S LIME, YOU NINCOMPOOP!”

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“Good morning! Thank you for calling Tall, Strict, and Cranky. This is Reginald speaking. How may I be of service?”